College Football Fan Seeking Someone To Hate
This past weekend, I officially ran out of people to hate in college sports. All of my enemies – all the teams, coaches and players I have spent the whole of my life casting my unmitigated enmity and vitriol upon – I can no longer find cause to even dislike.
Lane Kiffin left Tennessee for USC. On Saturday his team barely squeaked by Virginia in what had to be the most pathetic USC performance I’ve seen since Paul Hackett was coaching. I was looking forward to years of hating Lane, but now – nothing.
I can’t hate Derek Dooley or Tennessee because I just genuinely feel bad about how hard they got screwed over by that D-bag Kiffin. Dooley didn’t do any preseason posturing, he didn’t make any stupid guarantees or talk about singing Rocky Top “all night long” after beating a team he knows damn well he has no chance to beat. He’s just a good ol’ down home boy who got saved from having to try to win games coaching Louisiana Tech.
I’ve tried to talk myself into hating Auburn and Cam “Lootin’” Newton, but really I just enjoy making fun of him too much. During Auburn games I love to make jokes like, “Wow, Cam threw that pass like he threw that white kids laptop out the window after he stole it,” or “Oh man, Newton looks like he’s running from the campus police out there,” or “Damn, Newton tossed that ball like Urban tossed him off the team.”
I was on the road to hating Nick Saban. What, with his national championship, destroying Florida in the SEC Championship Game and his eternal stoicism he was an easy target. But those “College Gameday” commercials with he and Mack Brown playing Hungry Hungry Hippos and the one where he eats the cookie off the ground are hilarious. Now I almost like him
I don’t even hate Mark Richt. Honestly, I’ve never hated Mark Richt and I don’t know why. If there’s anyone I should hate it’s him. He spent 14 years as Bobby Bowden’s errand boy at Florida State, he was born in Nebraska (a state I generally despise), he played college ball for Miami (FL) and he played pro for the Bills in the ‘90s. Then there was that little stunt he pulled in 2007. I should hate Mark Richt more than anyone alive. Watching Spurrier beat him on Saturday should have filled me with joy, but I didn’t really get anything out of it.
Worst of all, I can’t even bring myself to hate Jimbo Fisher, and his name is Jimbo. During Saturday’s drubbing from Oklahoma I actually found myself feeling sorry for Florida State. I have never, ever in my life felt sorry for Florida State. I’ve always reveled in watching them get beaten, but on Saturday as the Sooners scout team was scoring on them I just changed the channel and shook my head.
Maybe I’m just getting too old to genuinely hate people because they play or coach for a rival football team. Or maybe the cast of characters in college football is just not hateable enough. Maybe Urban dominating rivalry games since he got to Gainesville has mollified my passion for SEC football (the man is 15-1 in rivalry games since coming to Gainesville). Whatever the case, I need to find someone to hate soon. College football isn’t nearly as enjoyable when you don’t detest the opposition with a fiery passion.