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Duke | The Sports Report Girl

NCAA Championship Game Tweets

A collection of my tweets from Monday night’s championship game… Enjoy!

6:01 – How the hell did Diddy get this intro? And are there any actual lyrics in this song? All I hear is “let’s work.”

5:58 – All the experts are picking Duke. I’m gonna say it right now, Butler is winning this thing.

6:07 – Anyone else realize what BS that NCAA “Where does the money go” commercials is? Short answer: into the pockets of our executives.

6:08 – I’m sorry, the money is not going to the kids. It’s just not. And anyone who believes otherwise is delusional.

6:11 – Over/under on how many coaches Tracy Wolfson has slept with: five. I would bet every dollar I have that she’s done Nick Saban.

6:21 – As much as I hate bandwagon Duke fans, the Duke student section is the best in college sports. The Cameron Crazies have no equal.

6:22 – Side note – Did you know Duke only has 6,000 undergrads. Seriously. (http://tinyurl.com/y8cc5f2) Makes the Cameron Crazies that much more impressive.

6:37 – I think Don “Moose” Lewis (http://tinyurl.com/ya33ltr) would love how this game is going right now. Very fundamental.

6:39 – I don’t know if there’s a single first-rd draft pick on either of these teams. I think Singler and Zoubek could make a roster, but that’s it.

6:48 – Butler is making ALL the hustle plays. And Duke just got its second traveling call in two minutes. Seriously…

7:03 – “Veasley’s gotta think about pulling that out, giving up so much size inside, after whipping it out.” – Clark Kellogg

7:08 – Jukes missed the dunk. The only black player on the court just blew a dunk. SMH.

7:12 – The first commercial for the Apple Maxipad. Am I the only person that realizes this thing is just a laptop without a keyboard?

7:19 – They’re replaying the Da’Sean Butler–Bob Huggins makeout. Priceless.

7:24 – I love Evan Turner, I think he’s one of four players this year who will make it in the NBA. POY he is not.

7:25 – Ask yourself this question: If you were making a college basketball team, who would your first pick be?

7:25 – If you said anyone other than John Wall, you’re either an idiot or just lying to yourself.

7:28 – Greg Gumbel’s perm still bothers me.

7:36 – I just looked up Greg Gumbel on Wikipedia and he’s 63-years-old. He’s 63! That’s incredible. This makes his perm even more offensive.

7:38 – I just realized how much Zoubek looks like Zangief from Street Fighter down there on the block.

7:45 – When did Kyle Singler become the white LeBron James?

7:47 – Seriously. Who is this kid in the Kyle Singler jersey? Because it can’t be Kyle Singler. I refuse to believe it.

7:51 – I’m going to start calling Zoubek “Zangief.” It’s official.

7:52 – Big basket by Zangief.

7:53 – Zangief gets his fourth foul. Damn it! I’ve been entertaining myself by imagining him cursing at the referees in broken Russian.

7:54 – Side note: I live in a house with two other supposed-heterosexual males and I am on the couch watching this game alone.

8:11 – Zangief puts too much mustard on the ball and throws it into the backcourt. I’m imagining him cursing in Russian again.

8:17 – There’s a little less than five minutes left and one of two things is going to happen: Singler is going to become a Duke legend or he’s going to lose them the game.

8:18 – Singler has absolutely taken over this game. He’s been the best player on the floor, by a mile, all night. This is officially his game.

8:24 – Duke finally makes a “we want it more” play to force a jump ball. That was big.

8:26 – Singler travels. I think the pressure might be getting to him.

8:28 – Holy shit! Howard just nailed the layup in Zangief’s grill. I imagine Zangief screaming, “Idi na xuy husesos! Mne pohui!”

8:28 – I google’d Russian swear words.

8:29 – Duke up one, 49 seconds left. Duke ball. It’s gotta go to Singler. It’s just gotta. Coach K must know this.

8:30 – Singler bricks off the front of the rim. Yup, pressure got to him.

8:30 – Great rebound by Zangief, by the way. Too bad he lost it off his foot.

8:33 – And we’re back. Butler down one, 13.6 seconds left. Butler ball. Just realized Butler has no go-to guy.

8:34 – Zangief is guarding the inbound pass. He forces Butler to use its last time out. “Na kaleni, suka!”

8:35 – Hayward on the fadeaway jumper?! WHAT?! You have got to be kidding me.

8:35 – Great play by Zangief. He’s been great .

8:37 – The heave…oh…wow. That was close. If you didn’t like that game, you hate America.

8:38 – Zangief runs down the court screaming, “Pokazhi pizdu detka! Pokazhi pizdu detka! Pokazhi pizdu detka!”

Final Four Guarantees!

Butler Vs Michigan St.
Butler and Michigan State take the floor for tip-off at 3:07 pm PST (that’s right, I’m using Pacific Time, you East Coasters can do the math this time). It’s the classic Not-quite-Cinderella versus Not-quite-Cinderella match-up basketball fans dream about. In one corner, you’ve got the heavyweights Michigan State, in their eighth final four appearance. In the other corner, you’ve got the Butler Bulldogs, a scrappy young team on a 20-game win streak that everyone should have seen coming, but nobody did.

When the game begins, Butler will jump out to a slight lead by putting increasing pressure on Michigan State’s inexperienced backcourt and forcing early turnovers. Michigan State will overcome Butler’s stifling D to tie the score and go into halftime with a lead. In the locker room, head coach Tom Izzo will give a fiery, passionate speech about how he did not come here to lose. Camera’s attempting to film the speech will be literally tossed from the Michigan State quarters along with chairs, stools, Gatorade and reserve players Izzo has labeled “expendable.”

In the second half the two teams will battle to a furious finish. With 3.2 second remaining on the clock, Butler is down by two points, 62-61. On the inbound pass, guard Shelvin Mack arcs up a shot from just inside the three-point line that rims out, but somehow hits the official directly below the basket on the head and goes in. Time had expired before the shot went into the basket, but not before it bounced off the referee’s head. The referees head to the sideline to discuss and check the rulebook.

In a stunning decision, the shot is counted and is given a value of two-and-a-half points, giving Butler the victory 63.5-62 and somehow pushing a 1 and ½ point line – something previously thought to be impossible – but staying just below the 126 over/under. Gamblers around the world are simultaneously shocked and horrified. Half of the audience in Lucas Oil Stadium gets up to call their bookie. The other half throws trash onto the court.

It will be determined the next day that there is no two-and-a-half point shot and that referees Curtis Shaw, John Higgins and Les Jones had placed competing parlay bets on the spread.

Duke Vs West Virginia
The second game will be just as riveting, with Duke, the only one-seed in the tournament to make it to the Final Four, against West Virginia, the only team from the vaunted Big East Conference to get this far.

The Blue Devils will come out on a tare, with head coach Mike Kryzewski taking out his frustrations of not winning a National Championship in nine years on West Virginia. At the end of the first half Duke has a seemingly insurmountable lead, up 56-23.

At halftime, Gus Johnson says, “West Virginia is getting beat like a runaway slave, and I don’t mean like a black runaway slave, I’m talking about a Jewish runaway slave from Egypt. They’re getting beat like Biblical times – canes, whips, stones, the Egyptians did NOT play.” When color commentator Jay Bilas tries to stop Gus, he only digs his whole deeper, finishing by screaming into his headset, “The Mountaineers are getting beaten like the Jews beat Christ, crown of thorns, crucifix and everything, this is like watching The Passion of the Christ out here! Jesus, someone save these boys!”

Gus Johnson is immediately removed from the game and with Jim Nantz nowhere to be found, Bill Refferty and Jay Bilas finish the game, doing nothing but color commentary. This sequence is incredibly popular in focus groups.

As the second half begins, West Virginia goes on an all-out assault. Somehow, Tom Izzo was let into their locker room to finish the verbal tirade he unleashed on his own team to the Mountaineers. This also works, as West Virginia leads the most impressive comeback in the history of the Final Four – and Gus Johnson is not there.

The teams play to an astonishing 12 overtimes, going well into the morning. Most everyone in the auditorium is asleep and people on the East Coast are getting into work only to find out that the game is still on. The teams are now playing three-on-three, because everyone else has fouled out of the game, when a disgruntled fan who refused to go to sleep storms the court and takes out all the remaining players with a metallic wand he fashioned out of the end of the scorers table.

With the score tied and no remaining players eligible to enter the game, the referees have no choice but to call a tie game. Because there can be only one National Championship game by NCAA regulations, all three teams – Butler, Duke and West Virginia – must square off in a triple threat match. A brand new court will be created and each team will have two 20-minute halves to score as many points on either of their opponents’ baskets as possible. Gus Johnson is immediately reinstated.

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